Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
