there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
