when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
