he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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