Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
