You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty