I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize