Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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