so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
