return my video game
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
