and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
