Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
