my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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