it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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