Cold hands, warm shart.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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