if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
