there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
