I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
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I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
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I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.