i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
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We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
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I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.