Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
