he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
