She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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