he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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