He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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