Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So many bounce houses so little time
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
