drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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