im drinking this country out of the recession.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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