Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
