I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
