I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
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The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize