I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize