He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
