And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
