My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
