Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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