I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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