i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
