i was born a porn star she said
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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