i don't like sucking hair
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
