M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
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