I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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