The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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