Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
