Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
