The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
