It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
