I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So many bounce houses so little time
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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