You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
