My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
