so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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