I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just high enough for therapy.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
