I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
