youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
