you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.