And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
