Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The beers last night were like the tears from god
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?