I think my fart just growled at me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there