Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
