i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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