I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
