Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Farmville is her only friend.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
