he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
