she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
