she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
