i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
