is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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