a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
