I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
