I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
