We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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