That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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