Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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