I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Come on in and take your pants off
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
