youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
